


The Element of Surprise

by triste



Category: Bleach
Genre: Drabble Collection, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-19 05:17:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/569526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triste/pseuds/triste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isshin is on a mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

Written for the 30 Romances community on LJ

Title: Three's a Crowd  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Otoko ai, humour, silliness  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

Written for 30_romances. Themes used: #8 (collection) and #12 (gargoyle)

~~

Those eyes were watching him again. They'd even started to haunt Ryuuken in his sleep, so to have them focused on him during his waking hours just made him even more nervous. Isshin seemed completely unaffected by the situation, but then he was remarkably dense. He was also blissfully oblivious to Ryuuken's discomfort as dived onto the bed, bounced a couple of times and then dragged a very reluctant Ryuuken down with him.

Ryuuken could only stare over Isshin's shoulder at the figure in the corner of the room, narrowing his eyes and feeling even more uneasy than he had before. He barely even noticed the fact that Isshin had already stripped away his shirt (he would have nagged him otherwise for tossing such an expensive garment so carelessly to the floor where it might get creased), but he was soon snapped out of his thoughts when Isshin's face suddenly came in close to his own.

"You're not showing much enthusiasm today," Isshin remarked, looking more than a little concerned. "You should be throwing yourself to the winds of passion! Forget about your worries and your inhibitions and make like a beast in bed!"

"You really expect me to do any of that when *she's* watching?" Ryuuken hissed through clenched teeth. "This is the third time this week! How much longer are you going to insist on standing her by the door?!"

Isshin looked momentarily confused, but then realisation dawned over his face when he followed Ryuuken's line of sight to where it had been resting on the life-sized cardboard cut-out of his late wife. "Well, Masaki seemed to be getting lonely all by herself, so I thought it was only fair to let take part in our sex life, even if she's only playing the part of the casual observer."

"But it's disturbing! Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Don't be like that! Just think of it as a threesome, only better! This way, none of us will end up getting jealous!"

"I don't want her here anymore. Remove her right this instant before I get up and do it myself!"

"We need her, though! Masaki is like the gargoyle that watches over and protects us. She's the one who gives her blessing to our beautiful sessions of love!"

Only Isshin would be so callous and uncouth as to compare his dead wife to an ugly lump of stone.

"And just between you and me, I'm pretty sure she likes what she sees." Isshin gave Ryuuken a nudge and a wink. "After all, what girl could resist the sight of two handsome guys getting sweaty and sticky together?"

Ryuuken fought the urge to twitch. "Nobody will be getting sweaty *or* sticky, because I've just decided that I have better things to do with my time. Now move off of me."

Isshin shook his head. "Nuh-uh. I'm staying where I am."

"I said move!"

"No means no~!"

"Let me up!"

"Don't wanna!"

"Release me right now or I shall be very angry."

"Don't care."

This time, Ryuuken *did* twitch. Isshin's usually good-natured features were set in a stubborn pout and Ryuuken knew that Isshin would only move when he felt good and ready to. Unfortunately, he had the benefit of regular meals and years of martial arts training on his side, giving him considerably more muscle and bulk. Being both shorter and lighter put Ryuuken at a disadvantage. Any attempt to throw Isshin off would be fruitless.

There was one thing that Ryuuken had that Isshin didn't, however, and that was patience. The idea of it pained him, but he hoped that if he just stayed silent long enough, Isshin would eventually lose interest in his newest game and go away in search of something else to do. Then again, Isshin made up for his lack of patience with sheer doggedness and determination, and when he set his mind to something, he wasn't easily dissuaded.

The two of them stared stonily at one another for a few minutes before Isshin's brow finally crinkled in confusion.

"Why aren't we naked yet?"

"Because I have no interest and you have no right."

"Can I finish taking your clothes off?"

"No, and don't even think about trying."

"But you're already shirtless. It would be a shame to just stop there."

"I have no desire to get sweaty or sticky with you right now."

"If I hide Masaki in the closet, will you change your mind? She won't be able to watch, but she can still hear us. It'll be the next best thing for her."

Without waiting for an answer, Isshin lifted himself up off the mattress and walked over to the eternally smiling cut-out. The expression on his face was mournful as he lifted the cardboard Masaki into his arms and guided her over to the wardrobe, sliding the door open and pushing the racks of colour-coded shirts out of the way to make room for the new occupant.

Isshin gave the cut-out a sharp salute, closed the door, then turned to Ryuuken with a toothy grin. "Better?"

Ryuuken shrugged his shoulders disinterestedly. "Not particularly."

"That won't do! I will not allow the burning in your loins to fizzle out! I must work on stoking it into a raging inferno and make you mad with desire!"

"Do whatever you like."

"I'll have you writhing in pleasure before the hour is up! I'll even get you to make that cute little noise that sounds so much like a drowning seal!"

"Seals don't drown, and I don't make noises. Stop deluding yourself." Ryuuken had known Isshin long enough now to be aware when he was plotting something stupid or insane, and the devious smirk on his face was more than enough to clue Ryuuken into his plans. "Whatever you're thinking right now, it isn't going to work. Don't even bother wasting your time." He tried to remain as aloof as he possibly could, but his stern exterior quickly melted when Isshin began rooting through his prized collection of ties. "Stop that! You're making a mess!"

Isshin ignored him in favour of picking out a white tie with a blue cross pattern. "Is it okay if I borrow this for a while?"

"No it is *not* okay! It's a special Quincy tie, one that's been in the Ishida family for generations! My fool of a father made me promise to keep it just before he died, and he even put a curse on it so that I could never throw it away!"

Isshin's eyes lit up. "It's cursed?"

"That's what he said. What do you want it for, anyway?"

Isshin gave Ryuuken the thumbs-up sign. "I'm going to fasten you down to the bed with it and ride you like a bicycle!"

"Don't be so vulgar! That thing's been around my father's *neck* on many occasions!"

"And now it's going around your wrists! Kinky, huh?"

"Kurosaki Isshin, I demand you stop this insanity right here and now!"

It was no use, though. Isshin had already begun advancing on him with waggling fingers and a manic grin, and he was quick enough to pounce and capture Ryuuken before he could make a run for freedom.

Masaki certainly had plenty to listen to inside the closet later on that afternoon.

 

End.


	2. Two

Title: Pieces of Eight  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Otoko ai, humour, silliness  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

Written for 30_romances. Themes used: #2 (bury) and #10 (search)

~~

It was funny how days that started off bad always tended to grow worse and worse as the hours ticked by. Ryuuken found himself being reminded of this fact when he woke up late that morning, thanks to a broken alarm clock. It had been months, years even, since he'd overslept, and he'd found himself in a lousy temper right from the word go, thanks to that minor mishap.

Ryuuken was the type of man who liked to be prepared for anything and everything, so it displeased him greatly to have something that wasn't functioning as smoothly as it ought to be, even if it was only a little thing like a clock. However, it had started off a chain of events that he'd been unable to escape from, and ended with Ryuuken grinding his teeth as he waited on a crowded platform for a train that had been delayed for the next thirty minutes.

As if that wasn't enough, he'd also had to put up with another dampener on his already dreadful day, a dampener that went by the name of Kurosaki Isshin.

Being with Isshin was always stressful, not to mention far more embarrassing than Ryuuken would have liked. Just standing next to him was enough to make Ryuuken feel tired, and he was often of the opinion that no human being on earth should possess that much energy. If ever science managed to make the future greener by running people's homes and cars on sheer enthusiasm alone, Isshin would easily be able to power an entire city all by himself.

One of the worst things about Isshin was the fact that he didn't really differ all that much from the average inquisitive toddler. Ryuuken had learned long ago that he only had to turn his back for three seconds to find that Isshin had disappeared somewhere in order to cause chaos and destruction, and as much as he disliked the idea, he knew he'd have to find some way to entertain Isshin while they were temporarily stranded. It was far easier than allowing Isshin to create bigger problems by letting him roam around at will, and Ryuuken had no desire to traipse down to the police station yet again in order to persuade the officer who had arrested Isshin that he possessed the mentality of a three-year-old child, and that he really had been looking for 'harmless fun'.

In short, letting Isshin loose on an unsuspecting public was rather like putting a tiger into a petting zoo. His behaviour was unpredictable at best, he often allowed himself to be easily distracted, but worst of all, he had the attention span of a gnat. It also didn't take him much to get bored, and Isshin was always at his most dangerous when he felt neglected or in need of attention.

That was why Ryuuken had tried giving Isshin something that would occupy him, but the crossword puzzle he'd forcefully pushed into Isshin's hands had done little to accomplish his task. Isshin had taken a moment to doodle all over the newspaper Ryuuken had given him, and he'd been briefly amused by the idea of drawing moustaches and devil horns onto the pictures of various government officials, but it hadn't taken long at all for him to start rubbing his chin and looking thoughtful.

Ryuuken had learned to take that calculating expression as yet another danger sign, and the warning bells instantly began ringing in his head when Isshin suddenly grinned like an idiot. Only four words could follow up that particular expression, and as always, they made Ryuuken cringe to hear them.

"I've got an idea!"

Encouraging Isshin was never a good thing, but again, Ryuuken was reminded of the fact that they were in a very public place, and as such, he had to keep disturbances to a minimum - never an easy task where Isshin was involved.

He hesitated for a second, and then decided to give in and see just what Isshin had come up with. "What is it?"

Isshin's grin grew even wider and Ryuuken felt his insides going cold. He hoped fervently that Isshin wouldn't challenge him to a foolish game of 'chicken' by daring him to lie down on the tracks and refuse to move until a train was nearly on top of him. It had been bad enough when Isshin had volunteered to swallow an entire tray of surgical instruments as a party trick at one of their more recent medical conferences, and Ryuuken *really* didn't want to live through a similar experience again.

He was ever so slightly baffled, however, when Isshin gave voice to his newest plan, and he blinked a couple of times before saying weakly, "I beg your pardon?"

Isshin gave him the thumbs-up sign. "Let's look for treasure!"

"Is this a joke?"

"No, I'm serious! There has to be some secret treasure buried *somewhere* around here!"

Again, Ryuuken blinked. "You want to search for treasure."

Isshin nodded.

"In a train station."

Another nod.

Ryuuken's next question was short and to the point. "...*Why*?"

"It's a way to pass the time, isn't it? But most importantly, it's fun!"

"Even *if* there happened to be treasure hidden here, how would you even find it? Do you have any resources?"

Isshin cocked his head. "Resources?"

"Like a map, for instance?"

"Um..."

"Or a compass?"

"Eh..."

"Or a spade in which to dig the buried treasure up with?"

"Who needs those? We'll just rely on our wits and our intuition!"

Ryuuken narrowed his eyes. "I heard the word 'we' just now. Please don't drag me into your childish little fantasy world."

Isshin wagged his index finger in a condescending manner. "Now, now, don't be like that. If you aren't going to help me out, then I won't share my spoils with you when I find them!"

"I don't want your so-called spoils. Where would you even look for them, anyway?"

"I was thinking about breaking into people's lockers and swiping their stuff. Technically it's called petty theft, but it's much more exciting to think of it as a treasure hunt."

Ryuuken grabbed Isshin's collar and shook him so fiercely that he wouldn't have been surprised to hear Isshin's teeth rattling in his head. "Don't steal anything, don't break anything, don't *move* anything! Don't even open your mouth if you can help it!!"

Ryuuken felt slightly ashamed of himself for raising his voice in a public place, but he quickly forced the embarrassment from his mind when he grabbed the newspaper he'd given to Isshin earlier and buried his face in it.

Moments passed by, and surprisingly, Isshin did as he was told. Ryuuken had never known him to be so quiet before, and he peered over the top of his paper in Isshin's direction, feeling more than a little suspicious.

Isshin was indeed sitting without movement, and Ryuuken felt vaguely alarmed to see him looking so dejected. Nothing ever got Kurosaki Isshin down, after all. He never lost his temper and he never got sad or depressed. Ryuuken was so used to Isshin being his usual boisterous self that it unnerved him to know that he could be just the opposite, if he chose.

He had to wonder just why Isshin seemed so withdrawn, but Ryuuken refused to feel guilty for having scolded him in such a manner. He'd merely taken the pre-emptive step in order to keep Isshin from being hauled away by the authorities yet again, and he'd stopped Isshin from making fools out of them both. There was no reason whatsoever for him to look so utterly miserable.

After another couple of minutes had passed, Ryuuken finally sighed and put on his best 'I couldn't care less about whatever you're doing' voice. "You're upset. Why are you sulking like this?"

Isshin shrugged his shoulders. "You got mad."

"I lose my temper with you whenever we meet. Why should this time be any different?"

"But you got mad."

"I merely spoke out in a rather curt tone. I did not 'get mad'."

"Yes you did."

Ryuuken sighed in defeat. "All right, I admit that I was harsh. Does that make you feel better?"

Isshin shook his head. "No. You don't like me anymore."

"Kurosaki Isshin, I have *never* liked you. I never *will* like you, for as long as we both shall live. You're insane, annoying, embarrassing, and you never seem to understand when no means no. Need I go on?"

Isshin picked at his sleeve mournfully. "I was kidding about what I said earlier, you know. I didn't really want to go looting. I only said it because I thought it'd make you laugh."

"Why on earth would I find such a suggestion to be amusing?"

"I thought it was funny, but you're angry and you hate me, so it doesn't matter anymore."

Ryuuken closed his eyes, counted to ten inside his head, and then took a deep breath. "Yes it does matter, no I don't hate you, and I'm not even all that angry anymore. Just tired."

"You can sleep here if you want," Isshin offered as he patted his lap invitingly. "I could even sing you a lullaby!"

Ryuuken bit back his immediate response, which had been to say that he would rather die and become a Shinigami than go through with such humiliation, and merely shook his head. "I'd rather not, thank you."

"Then I'll sleep in your lap instead!"

Looking back, Ryuuken was rather pleased with how quickly he managed to roll his newspaper up and whack Isshin over the head with it. "You will do no such thing. Find something else to occupy yourself with."

Isshin frowned for a second, then brightened. "We could always play chicken instead!"

"I have another game for you. It's called 'how quickly can I find aspirin to give to Ryuuken before he gets fed up and throws me under the path of an oncoming train?'"

"I've never heard of that before. Are there any rules?"

"Only one and it's very simple. If you lose, you die."

"What do I get if I win?"

"That's simple, too. If you win, you live."

And in spite of his bad mood, Ryuuken could still admit to himself that even Isshin had his uses sometimes as he dashed off in search of painkillers.

 

End.


	3. Three

Title: Stress Relief  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: R/NC-17-ish  
Warnings: Otoko ai, lemon, humour  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

Written for 30_romances. Themes used: #24 (control freak) and #27 (love, hate and the like)

~~

"Go home. I have neither the time nor the desire to entertain you right now."

"Don't be so cold! I came all this way to see you, after all! It'd be cruel to send me away!"

"What do you expect? I've told you before not to turn up at my office without an appointment. Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You don't *look* busy, and besides, your adorable little lady receptionist told me to go right through and see you. She never mentioned anything about making prior arrangements."

"Just leave? Please? For the sake of my sanity?"

"But I'm booored!"

Ryuuken's fingers tightened so hard around the pen that he'd been holding that it almost snapped right in two. He meant what he'd told Isshin earlier, and he really wasn't in the mood to deal with him right now. It was bad enough putting up with him at home, but Ryuuken refused to have anything to do with him while he was still at work.

In any case, it always irritated him whenever Isshin chose to show up out of the blue. Ryuuken liked his life to be as tidy and organised as the bookshelves that stood opposite his desk, so Isshin's spontaneity annoyed him more than he cared to admit.

Getting rid of Isshin was never an easy task, however, and it often tended to use up every ounce of patience that Ryuuken possessed. Even if he succeeded in getting Isshin to sit still and wait quietly, it never seemed to do much good. It was better for Isshin to work off his manic energy, not keep it all stored up. He didn't *like* making noise and causing chaos, it was something that he absolutely *had* to do.

Most other people preferred to channel their enthusiasm into an acceptable hobby, like building models or collecting things, but Isshin was the kind of man who tended to apply over zealousness to pretty much everything that he did. In short he was like a tornado, in that there really was no stopping him. Isshin had torn into his life, and all Ryuuken could do was pick up the damage that he'd left behind.

Getting Isshin to actually listen to whatever Ryuuken had to say to him was a challenge in itself, especially since Isshin had a habit of going conveniently deaf when it came to things that he didn't feel like acknowledging or agreeing with. Teaching him things like dignity and restraint had been a waste of time. Isshin seemed to take great pride in public humiliation, and he was on a first-name basis with most of the local authorities. Only he would consider a night in the cells to be a 'grand adventure', instead of something to be avoided at all costs.

"If I promise to take you out to dinner tonight, will you go away?"

"I don't want to leave! I've missed you too much!"

"You saw me just yesterday! You haven't had time to feel lonely!"

"But I always feel lonely when I'm not with you..."

"Sweet talk will get you nowhere, Kurosaki Isshin. Leave me be, or else I'll get very angry."

Isshin looked momentarily subdued, but then he grinned and draped himself over the back of Ryuuken's chair. "Oh, I get it. You're stressed. That's why you're in such a bad mood."

"The only reason for my bad mood is *you*," Ryuuken told him irritably. "Anyway, you're too close. Move away before I lose my temper."

Isshin's grin only widened as he moved his hand in order to toy with the knot of Ryuuken's tie. "Don't be like that, Ryuu-chan. Let's play for a while!"

"I thought I told you not to stop calling me that?" Ryuuken batted Isshin's fingers away quickly. "And stop fiddling with my clothes!"

"But I wanna play!" Isshin allowed Ryuuken to push his hand away before bringing the other one into action and popping open the buttons on his shirt.

"Don't say those things! We're not children, you idiot!"

"Of course we're not. That's why we devise special games, for adults only!"

"I have no interest in your sordid little plans. Unhand me!"

"Nuh-uh. I need to give you stress relief first!"

Ryuuken narrowed his eyes dangerously as Isshin finished unfastening his shirt, pushing it aside in order to run his hand over the smooth skin that lay beneath it. Although there were some things that he'd come close to liking about Isshin, such as his earnest desire to please, he hated the other facets of his personality that came along with it. He hated Isshin's complete lack of disregard for rules and authority, but most of all, he hated it when Isshin refused to take 'no' for an answer.

That was why Ryuuken found himself pressing his lips into a thin line when Isshin spun his chair around so that they were facing one another. He gave no reaction when Isshin knelt in front of him and began kissing his way down his chest. Instead, he chose to stay perfectly silent and expressionless, which was his usual way of dealing with things whenever he found himself being threatened with the loss of control.

He ignored the urge to panic when he caught sight of the glint in Isshin's eye, just forced himself to remain completely still. It was hard to keep the feeling of dread from growing, though, especially now that he'd gotten to know Isshin pretty well. Most people would have lost interest in Ryuuken's lack of response, but with Isshin, it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. He never turned down a challenge, no matter how impossible it appeared, and once again, Ryuuken found himself wishing that Isshin would take up a more acceptable hobby. Instead, he seemed to have made it his life's mission to drive Ryuuken completely insane.

He was certainly devoted to his current task, and he applied as much enthusiasm to his seduction techniques as he did to life itself. Ryuuken wasn't one to give in without a fight, though, and he continued to refrain from giving a response when Isshin leaned up and kissed him.

Isshin's fingers weren't idle, and Ryuuken felt annoyed when he found himself closing his eyes against his will. He hadn't meant to back down at all, but Isshin's hands were everywhere, warm and rough and insistent as they traced over his ribcage, his stomach, his nipples...

Isshin's mouth had wandered down to his throat, nudging Ryuuken's collar aside just enough to access his skin as he kissed and licked and sucked. Ryuuken bit his lip when he felt sharp teeth close down on his neck, but he was proud of the fact that he had yet to make a sound. Isshin didn't seem to mind too much, though, just slid his right hand down lower so that his palm was pressing against the bulge in his pants, kneading and stroking and coaxing Ryuuken to full hardness.

Ryuuken's face was strained and pinched with the effort it took to remain quiet and motionless, but his breathing grew shallow when Isshin unbuttoned his fly, and he held the arms of his chair in a death grip, his knuckles turning white from the pressure.

Isshin undid the buckle of his belt with his free hand, pushing Ryuuken's underwear out of the way and guiding his erection so that it stood freely. His touches were teasing, and Ryuuken's entire body was tense and strained as Isshin continued his exploration. He found himself shivering in spite of being overheated, and he could feel his shirt beginning to stick to his back as he shifted just a little to the side.

It pained him to admit, but Isshin's calloused fingers felt good as they glided over swollen flesh, even though it was getting more and more difficult for Ryuuken to think straight. Although Isshin had become fairly gifted at causing him stress, he was also talented at relieving it, and Ryuuken had almost forgotten why he'd been so irritated with Isshin in the first place. He just couldn't stay angry, not while Isshin was touching him like that.

Ryuuken's precious self-control finally snapped when Isshin took him into his mouth, causing him to release the chair and bury his hands into Isshin's hair instead, jerking his hips up automatically the same time he tried to push Isshin's head down.

He hissed in frustration when Isshin pulled away, blinking his eyes open and staring down at him in disbelief. "Fool," he said hoarsely. "Why did you stop?!"

"Now, now, don't be hasty," Isshin chided. "You didn't seem to want this five minutes ago, remember?"

Ryuuken mustered up the fiercest glare that he could manage in his current position. "If you don't continue what you were doing, I'll strangle you with my stethoscope."

"Oooh, scary, scary," said Isshin, looking far too pleased with himself. "Weren't you telling me to go away earlier, though?"

"That was then, this is now," Ryuuken warned him. "Carry on, or I really *will* lose my temper."

Isshin shrugged his shoulders agreeably, but he still seemed smug as he worked Ryuuken's pants and underwear the rest of the way down his legs. Ryuuken didn't care what Isshin looked like as long as he kept touching him, and he let his head fall back with a sigh when Isshin took hold of his erection once again, closing his eyes and parting his legs a little.

Isshin didn't disappoint him and Ryuuken moaned faintly when Isshin's thumb pressed down over the tip of his cock, rubbing and sliding against it in a leisurely fashion. He gave another moan, louder this time when Isshin tightened his grip, then trembled when he felt a gust of warm breath against his heated skin.

It took him a moment to realise that Isshin seemed to be saying something, and it took him longer still to notice that he wasn't actually speaking, but *singing*.

"In the town where I was born, lived a man who sailed to sea... and he told us of his life, in the land of submarines..."

Ryuuken frowned and forced his eyes to open, even though he knew he wasn't going to like what he would see. Isshin seemed completely oblivious to the change in his mood as he merely continued to croon into Ryuuken's penis as though it were a microphone, and Ryuuken found it hard to keep from twitching in response.

"What on *earth* do you think you're doing?!"

Isshin blinked up at him innocently. "Serenading you. Should I have chosen something more romantic instead?"

Ryuuken bared his teeth. "Kurosaki Isshin, you *will* finish what you've started, or help me God..."

"Hey, hey, don't get upset!" Isshin said quickly. "Besides, I've thought of another game that we can play!" He dragged Ryuuken out of his chair before he could protest and grinned as he reclined onto his back and pulled Ryuuken down with him. "It's called 'Sit On My Face and I'll Guess Your Weight'."

"Don't be disgusting," Ryuuken snarled, but Isshin had already braced his hands on his hips, leaning up and letting Ryuuken's cock slide into his mouth.

Ryuuken gasped in shock and arched his back instinctively, forcing himself deeper down Isshin's throat. He was kneeling over Isshin on all fours, straddling his face and trying desperately to keep himself from thrusting again. It was difficult, though, especially when Isshin began rubbing his trembling thighs. He could feel Isshin sucking and swallowing, and he really couldn't think at all now as Isshin worked him with teeth and tongue and lips.

Ryuuken tried to spread his legs in order to lower himself further and growled in frustration when he realised that his ankles were still bound by his pants, and he wriggled in an effort to try and free himself, leaning down onto his forearms and groaning when Isshin's hands moved up to knead his ass.

He barely managed to stifle his cry when Isshin forced his orgasm from him, biting down onto his fist and shuddering helplessly as he came. It took all of his strength to pull away and roll the side, closing his eyes and panting heavily. When he opened them again, it was to see Isshin propped up on one elbow beside him and grinning in delight. Ryuuken looked away, embarrassed, knowing how debauched he probably seemed, with his shirt wide open and his pants halfway off.

"I'd say it's about seventy," Isshin said suddenly.

Ryuuken glanced over at him reluctantly. "I beg your pardon?"

"Your weight in kilograms," Isshin explained. "Am I right?"

"That's none of your business."

"Ehh? Tell me, tell me! I want to know if I guessed right!"

"Go away. I need to get dressed."

"Don't! I like you better naked!" Isshin quickly reached out and latched onto Ryuuken's waist like a leech, snuggling up against him and holding him so tightly that he couldn't even move. "Besides, it isn't fair for you to have all the fun. There are lots more games that we could play!"

"I don't think we-" Ryuuken's voice cut off abruptly when he felt Isshin pressing up against him, and he swallowed hard. "On second thought, maybe we should take this somewhere else."

"That's the spirit! It's better to roll around on a nice and comfortable bed than a nasty, scratchy carpet, don't you think?"

"It's not nasty. It compliments the wallpaper."

"But it doesn't feel as nice as a soft and fluffy duvet, and it's harder to remove stains from."

"You're right. It's easier to clean sheets than it is to clean a carpet."

"That's the spirit! Let's take advantage of the fact that you're all pepped up and go back to my house for Strip Twister! Maybe we could rope the kids into playing it, too!"

"Tell me you're not serious..."

 

End.


	4. Four

Title: Pieces of Eight  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Otoko ai, humour, silliness  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

Written for 30_romances. Themes used: #2 (bury) and #10 (search)

~~

It was funny how days that started off bad always tended to grow worse and worse as the hours ticked by. Ryuuken found himself being reminded of this fact when he woke up late that morning, thanks to a broken alarm clock. It had been months, years even, since he'd overslept, and he'd found himself in a lousy temper right from the word go, thanks to that minor mishap.

Ryuuken was the type of man who liked to be prepared for anything and everything, so it displeased him greatly to have something that wasn't functioning as smoothly as it ought to be, even if it was only a little thing like a clock. However, it had started off a chain of events that he'd been unable to escape from, and ended with Ryuuken grinding his teeth as he waited on a crowded platform for a train that had been delayed for the next thirty minutes.

As if that wasn't enough, he'd also had to put up with another dampener on his already dreadful day, a dampener that went by the name of Kurosaki Isshin.

Being with Isshin was always stressful, not to mention far more embarrassing than Ryuuken would have liked. Just standing next to him was enough to make Ryuuken feel tired, and he was often of the opinion that no human being on earth should possess that much energy. If ever science managed to make the future greener by running people's homes and cars on sheer enthusiasm alone, Isshin would easily be able to power an entire city all by himself.

One of the worst things about Isshin was the fact that he didn't really differ all that much from the average inquisitive toddler. Ryuuken had learned long ago that he only had to turn his back for three seconds to find that Isshin had disappeared somewhere in order to cause chaos and destruction, and as much as he disliked the idea, he knew he'd have to find some way to entertain Isshin while they were temporarily stranded. It was far easier than allowing Isshin to create bigger problems by letting him roam around at will, and Ryuuken had no desire to traipse down to the police station yet again in order to persuade the officer who had arrested Isshin that he possessed the mentality of a three-year-old child, and that he really had been looking for 'harmless fun'.

In short, letting Isshin loose on an unsuspecting public was rather like putting a tiger into a petting zoo. His behaviour was unpredictable at best, he often allowed himself to be easily distracted, but worst of all, he had the attention span of a gnat. It also didn't take him much to get bored, and Isshin was always at his most dangerous when he felt neglected or in need of attention.

That was why Ryuuken had tried giving Isshin something that would occupy him, but the crossword puzzle he'd forcefully pushed into Isshin's hands had done little to accomplish his task. Isshin had taken a moment to doodle all over the newspaper Ryuuken had given him, and he'd been briefly amused by the idea of drawing moustaches and devil horns onto the pictures of various government officials, but it hadn't taken long at all for him to start rubbing his chin and looking thoughtful.

Ryuuken had learned to take that calculating expression as yet another danger sign, and the warning bells instantly began ringing in his head when Isshin suddenly grinned like an idiot. Only four words could follow up that particular expression, and as always, they made Ryuuken cringe to hear them.

"I've got an idea!"

Encouraging Isshin was never a good thing, but again, Ryuuken was reminded of the fact that they were in a very public place, and as such, he had to keep disturbances to a minimum - never an easy task where Isshin was involved.

He hesitated for a second, and then decided to give in and see just what Isshin had come up with. "What is it?"

Isshin's grin grew even wider and Ryuuken felt his insides going cold. He hoped fervently that Isshin wouldn't challenge him to a foolish game of 'chicken' by daring him to lie down on the tracks and refuse to move until a train was nearly on top of him. It had been bad enough when Isshin had volunteered to swallow an entire tray of surgical instruments as a party trick at one of their more recent medical conferences, and Ryuuken *really* didn't want to live through a similar experience again.

He was ever so slightly baffled, however, when Isshin gave voice to his newest plan, and he blinked a couple of times before saying weakly, "I beg your pardon?"

Isshin gave him the thumbs-up sign. "Let's look for treasure!"

"Is this a joke?"

"No, I'm serious! There has to be some secret treasure buried *somewhere* around here!"

Again, Ryuuken blinked. "You want to search for treasure."

Isshin nodded.

"In a train station."

Another nod.

Ryuuken's next question was short and to the point. "...*Why*?"

"It's a way to pass the time, isn't it? But most importantly, it's fun!"

"Even *if* there happened to be treasure hidden here, how would you even find it? Do you have any resources?"

Isshin cocked his head. "Resources?"

"Like a map, for instance?"

"Um..."

"Or a compass?"

"Eh..."

"Or a spade in which to dig the buried treasure up with?"

"Who needs those? We'll just rely on our wits and our intuition!"

Ryuuken narrowed his eyes. "I heard the word 'we' just now. Please don't drag me into your childish little fantasy world."

Isshin wagged his index finger in a condescending manner. "Now, now, don't be like that. If you aren't going to help me out, then I won't share my spoils with you when I find them!"

"I don't want your so-called spoils. Where would you even look for them, anyway?"

"I was thinking about breaking into people's lockers and swiping their stuff. Technically it's called petty theft, but it's much more exciting to think of it as a treasure hunt."

Ryuuken grabbed Isshin's collar and shook him so fiercely that he wouldn't have been surprised to hear Isshin's teeth rattling in his head. "Don't steal anything, don't break anything, don't *move* anything! Don't even open your mouth if you can help it!!"

Ryuuken felt slightly ashamed of himself for raising his voice in a public place, but he quickly forced the embarrassment from his mind when he grabbed the newspaper he'd given to Isshin earlier and buried his face in it.

Moments passed by, and surprisingly, Isshin did as he was told. Ryuuken had never known him to be so quiet before, and he peered over the top of his paper in Isshin's direction, feeling more than a little suspicious.

Isshin was indeed sitting without movement, and Ryuuken felt vaguely alarmed to see him looking so dejected. Nothing ever got Kurosaki Isshin down, after all. He never lost his temper and he never got sad or depressed. Ryuuken was so used to Isshin being his usual boisterous self that it unnerved him to know that he could be just the opposite, if he chose.

He had to wonder just why Isshin seemed so withdrawn, but Ryuuken refused to feel guilty for having scolded him in such a manner. He'd merely taken the pre-emptive step in order to keep Isshin from being hauled away by the authorities yet again, and he'd stopped Isshin from making fools out of them both. There was no reason whatsoever for him to look so utterly miserable.

After another couple of minutes had passed, Ryuuken finally sighed and put on his best 'I couldn't care less about whatever you're doing' voice. "You're upset. Why are you sulking like this?"

Isshin shrugged his shoulders. "You got mad."

"I lose my temper with you whenever we meet. Why should this time be any different?"

"But you got mad."

"I merely spoke out in a rather curt tone. I did not 'get mad'."

"Yes you did."

Ryuuken sighed in defeat. "All right, I admit that I was harsh. Does that make you feel better?"

Isshin shook his head. "No. You don't like me anymore."

"Kurosaki Isshin, I have *never* liked you. I never *will* like you, for as long as we both shall live. You're insane, annoying, embarrassing, and you never seem to understand when no means no. Need I go on?"

Isshin picked at his sleeve mournfully. "I was kidding about what I said earlier, you know. I didn't really want to go looting. I only said it because I thought it'd make you laugh."

"Why on earth would I find such a suggestion to be amusing?"

"I thought it was funny, but you're angry and you hate me, so it doesn't matter anymore."

Ryuuken closed his eyes, counted to ten inside his head, and then took a deep breath. "Yes it does matter, no I don't hate you, and I'm not even all that angry anymore. Just tired."

"You can sleep here if you want," Isshin offered as he patted his lap invitingly. "I could even sing you a lullaby!"

Ryuuken bit back his immediate response, which had been to say that he would rather die and become a Shinigami than go through with such humiliation, and merely shook his head. "I'd rather not, thank you."

"Then I'll sleep in your lap instead!"

Looking back, Ryuuken was rather pleased with how quickly he managed to roll his newspaper up and whack Isshin over the head with it. "You will do no such thing. Find something else to occupy yourself with."

Isshin frowned for a second, then brightened. "We could always play chicken instead!"

"I have another game for you. It's called 'how quickly can I find aspirin to give to Ryuuken before he gets fed up and throws me under the path of an oncoming train?'"

"I've never heard of that before. Are there any rules?"

"Only one and it's very simple. If you lose, you die."

"What do I get if I win?"

"That's simple, too. If you win, you live."

And in spite of his bad mood, Ryuuken could still admit to himself that even Isshin had his uses sometimes as he dashed off in search of painkillers.

 

End.


	5. Five

Title: Stress Relief  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: R/NC-17-ish  
Warnings: Otoko ai, lemon, humour  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

Written for 30_romances. Themes used: #24 (control freak) and #27 (love, hate and the like)

~~

"Go home. I have neither the time nor the desire to entertain you right now."

"Don't be so cold! I came all this way to see you, after all! It'd be cruel to send me away!"

"What do you expect? I've told you before not to turn up at my office without an appointment. Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You don't *look* busy, and besides, your adorable little lady receptionist told me to go right through and see you. She never mentioned anything about making prior arrangements."

"Just leave? Please? For the sake of my sanity?"

"But I'm booored!"

Ryuuken's fingers tightened so hard around the pen that he'd been holding that it almost snapped right in two. He meant what he'd told Isshin earlier, and he really wasn't in the mood to deal with him right now. It was bad enough putting up with him at home, but Ryuuken refused to have anything to do with him while he was still at work.

In any case, it always irritated him whenever Isshin chose to show up out of the blue. Ryuuken liked his life to be as tidy and organised as the bookshelves that stood opposite his desk, so Isshin's spontaneity annoyed him more than he cared to admit.

Getting rid of Isshin was never an easy task, however, and it often tended to use up every ounce of patience that Ryuuken possessed. Even if he succeeded in getting Isshin to sit still and wait quietly, it never seemed to do much good. It was better for Isshin to work off his manic energy, not keep it all stored up. He didn't *like* making noise and causing chaos, it was something that he absolutely *had* to do.

Most other people preferred to channel their enthusiasm into an acceptable hobby, like building models or collecting things, but Isshin was the kind of man who tended to apply over zealousness to pretty much everything that he did. In short he was like a tornado, in that there really was no stopping him. Isshin had torn into his life, and all Ryuuken could do was pick up the damage that he'd left behind.

Getting Isshin to actually listen to whatever Ryuuken had to say to him was a challenge in itself, especially since Isshin had a habit of going conveniently deaf when it came to things that he didn't feel like acknowledging or agreeing with. Teaching him things like dignity and restraint had been a waste of time. Isshin seemed to take great pride in public humiliation, and he was on a first-name basis with most of the local authorities. Only he would consider a night in the cells to be a 'grand adventure', instead of something to be avoided at all costs.

"If I promise to take you out to dinner tonight, will you go away?"

"I don't want to leave! I've missed you too much!"

"You saw me just yesterday! You haven't had time to feel lonely!"

"But I always feel lonely when I'm not with you..."

"Sweet talk will get you nowhere, Kurosaki Isshin. Leave me be, or else I'll get very angry."

Isshin looked momentarily subdued, but then he grinned and draped himself over the back of Ryuuken's chair. "Oh, I get it. You're stressed. That's why you're in such a bad mood."

"The only reason for my bad mood is *you*," Ryuuken told him irritably. "Anyway, you're too close. Move away before I lose my temper."

Isshin's grin only widened as he moved his hand in order to toy with the knot of Ryuuken's tie. "Don't be like that, Ryuu-chan. Let's play for a while!"

"I thought I told you not to stop calling me that?" Ryuuken batted Isshin's fingers away quickly. "And stop fiddling with my clothes!"

"But I wanna play!" Isshin allowed Ryuuken to push his hand away before bringing the other one into action and popping open the buttons on his shirt.

"Don't say those things! We're not children, you idiot!"

"Of course we're not. That's why we devise special games, for adults only!"

"I have no interest in your sordid little plans. Unhand me!"

"Nuh-uh. I need to give you stress relief first!"

Ryuuken narrowed his eyes dangerously as Isshin finished unfastening his shirt, pushing it aside in order to run his hand over the smooth skin that lay beneath it. Although there were some things that he'd come close to liking about Isshin, such as his earnest desire to please, he hated the other facets of his personality that came along with it. He hated Isshin's complete lack of disregard for rules and authority, but most of all, he hated it when Isshin refused to take 'no' for an answer.

That was why Ryuuken found himself pressing his lips into a thin line when Isshin spun his chair around so that they were facing one another. He gave no reaction when Isshin knelt in front of him and began kissing his way down his chest. Instead, he chose to stay perfectly silent and expressionless, which was his usual way of dealing with things whenever he found himself being threatened with the loss of control.

He ignored the urge to panic when he caught sight of the glint in Isshin's eye, just forced himself to remain completely still. It was hard to keep the feeling of dread from growing, though, especially now that he'd gotten to know Isshin pretty well. Most people would have lost interest in Ryuuken's lack of response, but with Isshin, it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. He never turned down a challenge, no matter how impossible it appeared, and once again, Ryuuken found himself wishing that Isshin would take up a more acceptable hobby. Instead, he seemed to have made it his life's mission to drive Ryuuken completely insane.

He was certainly devoted to his current task, and he applied as much enthusiasm to his seduction techniques as he did to life itself. Ryuuken wasn't one to give in without a fight, though, and he continued to refrain from giving a response when Isshin leaned up and kissed him.

Isshin's fingers weren't idle, and Ryuuken felt annoyed when he found himself closing his eyes against his will. He hadn't meant to back down at all, but Isshin's hands were everywhere, warm and rough and insistent as they traced over his ribcage, his stomach, his nipples...

Isshin's mouth had wandered down to his throat, nudging Ryuuken's collar aside just enough to access his skin as he kissed and licked and sucked. Ryuuken bit his lip when he felt sharp teeth close down on his neck, but he was proud of the fact that he had yet to make a sound. Isshin didn't seem to mind too much, though, just slid his right hand down lower so that his palm was pressing against the bulge in his pants, kneading and stroking and coaxing Ryuuken to full hardness.

Ryuuken's face was strained and pinched with the effort it took to remain quiet and motionless, but his breathing grew shallow when Isshin unbuttoned his fly, and he held the arms of his chair in a death grip, his knuckles turning white from the pressure.

Isshin undid the buckle of his belt with his free hand, pushing Ryuuken's underwear out of the way and guiding his erection so that it stood freely. His touches were teasing, and Ryuuken's entire body was tense and strained as Isshin continued his exploration. He found himself shivering in spite of being overheated, and he could feel his shirt beginning to stick to his back as he shifted just a little to the side.

It pained him to admit, but Isshin's calloused fingers felt good as they glided over swollen flesh, even though it was getting more and more difficult for Ryuuken to think straight. Although Isshin had become fairly gifted at causing him stress, he was also talented at relieving it, and Ryuuken had almost forgotten why he'd been so irritated with Isshin in the first place. He just couldn't stay angry, not while Isshin was touching him like that.

Ryuuken's precious self-control finally snapped when Isshin took him into his mouth, causing him to release the chair and bury his hands into Isshin's hair instead, jerking his hips up automatically the same time he tried to push Isshin's head down.

He hissed in frustration when Isshin pulled away, blinking his eyes open and staring down at him in disbelief. "Fool," he said hoarsely. "Why did you stop?!"

"Now, now, don't be hasty," Isshin chided. "You didn't seem to want this five minutes ago, remember?"

Ryuuken mustered up the fiercest glare that he could manage in his current position. "If you don't continue what you were doing, I'll strangle you with my stethoscope."

"Oooh, scary, scary," said Isshin, looking far too pleased with himself. "Weren't you telling me to go away earlier, though?"

"That was then, this is now," Ryuuken warned him. "Carry on, or I really *will* lose my temper."

Isshin shrugged his shoulders agreeably, but he still seemed smug as he worked Ryuuken's pants and underwear the rest of the way down his legs. Ryuuken didn't care what Isshin looked like as long as he kept touching him, and he let his head fall back with a sigh when Isshin took hold of his erection once again, closing his eyes and parting his legs a little.

Isshin didn't disappoint him and Ryuuken moaned faintly when Isshin's thumb pressed down over the tip of his cock, rubbing and sliding against it in a leisurely fashion. He gave another moan, louder this time when Isshin tightened his grip, then trembled when he felt a gust of warm breath against his heated skin.

It took him a moment to realise that Isshin seemed to be saying something, and it took him longer still to notice that he wasn't actually speaking, but *singing*.

"In the town where I was born, lived a man who sailed to sea... and he told us of his life, in the land of submarines..."

Ryuuken frowned and forced his eyes to open, even though he knew he wasn't going to like what he would see. Isshin seemed completely oblivious to the change in his mood as he merely continued to croon into Ryuuken's penis as though it were a microphone, and Ryuuken found it hard to keep from twitching in response.

"What on *earth* do you think you're doing?!"

Isshin blinked up at him innocently. "Serenading you. Should I have chosen something more romantic instead?"

Ryuuken bared his teeth. "Kurosaki Isshin, you *will* finish what you've started, or help me God..."

"Hey, hey, don't get upset!" Isshin said quickly. "Besides, I've thought of another game that we can play!" He dragged Ryuuken out of his chair before he could protest and grinned as he reclined onto his back and pulled Ryuuken down with him. "It's called 'Sit On My Face and I'll Guess Your Weight'."

"Don't be disgusting," Ryuuken snarled, but Isshin had already braced his hands on his hips, leaning up and letting Ryuuken's cock slide into his mouth.

Ryuuken gasped in shock and arched his back instinctively, forcing himself deeper down Isshin's throat. He was kneeling over Isshin on all fours, straddling his face and trying desperately to keep himself from thrusting again. It was difficult, though, especially when Isshin began rubbing his trembling thighs. He could feel Isshin sucking and swallowing, and he really couldn't think at all now as Isshin worked him with teeth and tongue and lips.

Ryuuken tried to spread his legs in order to lower himself further and growled in frustration when he realised that his ankles were still bound by his pants, and he wriggled in an effort to try and free himself, leaning down onto his forearms and groaning when Isshin's hands moved up to knead his ass.

He barely managed to stifle his cry when Isshin forced his orgasm from him, biting down onto his fist and shuddering helplessly as he came. It took all of his strength to pull away and roll the side, closing his eyes and panting heavily. When he opened them again, it was to see Isshin propped up on one elbow beside him and grinning in delight. Ryuuken looked away, embarrassed, knowing how debauched he probably seemed, with his shirt wide open and his pants halfway off.

"I'd say it's about seventy," Isshin said suddenly.

Ryuuken glanced over at him reluctantly. "I beg your pardon?"

"Your weight in kilograms," Isshin explained. "Am I right?"

"That's none of your business."

"Ehh? Tell me, tell me! I want to know if I guessed right!"

"Go away. I need to get dressed."

"Don't! I like you better naked!" Isshin quickly reached out and latched onto Ryuuken's waist like a leech, snuggling up against him and holding him so tightly that he couldn't even move. "Besides, it isn't fair for you to have all the fun. There are lots more games that we could play!"

"I don't think we-" Ryuuken's voice cut off abruptly when he felt Isshin pressing up against him, and he swallowed hard. "On second thought, maybe we should take this somewhere else."

"That's the spirit! It's better to roll around on a nice and comfortable bed than a nasty, scratchy carpet, don't you think?"

"It's not nasty. It compliments the wallpaper."

"But it doesn't feel as nice as a soft and fluffy duvet, and it's harder to remove stains from."

"You're right. It's easier to clean sheets than it is to clean a carpet."

"That's the spirit! Let's take advantage of the fact that you're all pepped up and go back to my house for Strip Twister! Maybe we could rope the kids into playing it, too!"

"Tell me you're not serious..."

 

End.


	6. Six

Title: Smile  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Otoko ai, humour  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

Written for 30_romances. Theme used: #12 (mission impossible) and #14 (aristocrat)

~~

Ishida Ryuuken had no sense of humour. Anyone else would have given up trying to make him laugh a long time ago, but Kurosaki Isshin was no ordinary man. He'd never been the type to give in easily and admit his losses, at least not without having been beaten senseless first.

Still, he did find himself worrying at times. Ryuuken always had his reasons, no matter what he did, and Isshin assumed that there was something to explain his lack of patience for all things funny. He'd once suspected Ryuuken of being an exiled prince from a distant land, or maybe another planet, but when he accused Ryuuken of being an aristocrat who fell from the stars (a very romantic description, in Isshin's opinion), Ryuuken had merely scowled and threatened to disembowel him with a rusty scalpel.

Isshin still considered this to be a perfectly plausible theory. Members of the royal family were trained from birth not to smile, after all, and he'd assumed that it was the same in outer space as it was in Japan.

Ryuuken had been even less impressed when Isshin accused him of having visited an aesthetician. Everybody knew that facial muscles tended to freeze up after too much time under the surgeon's knife, courtesy of Botox, and Ryuuken was an extremely handsome man. It wouldn't have surprised Isshin in the slightest to learn that Ryuuken's good looks were slightly less than natural, and it would have given credence to his claim. Ryuuken hadn't spoken to him for a week after that, however, and Isshin had decided after several long days of suffering that Ryuuken's appearance was indeed one that he had rightfully been born with.

That had left him with his third and final suspicion, and although it had been the most sensible one that he'd come up with so far, it was also the idea that he'd spent the least time entertaining. For a man who Isshin had initially suspected to be scared to death of getting wrinkles, Ryuuken did seem to scowl quite a bit. He was smart and educated, so surely he knew that it took fewer muscles to smile than it did to frown.

No matter what Isshin did, Ryuuken simply refused to show any emotion other than irritation or exasperation, and even though Isshin was used to such hostility from his own children, it still hurt to know that he was coming closer and closer to failure with every passing day, and so, he'd made it his life's mission to get Ryuuken to crack a smile.

He'd tried everything from rubber chickens to whoopee cushions, but the jokes that always tended to make him laugh just didn't seem to work on Ryuuken for some reason. He'd given up on slapstick after a while in an effort to charm a smile from Ryuuken through witticisms, but observational humour had even less of an effect on Ryuuken than any of Isshin's previous attempts.

He'd rented out videos and forced Ryuuken to watch them with him, read the funnier newspaper articles out loud to him, and as a last resort, he'd even started leaping out from behind corners without warning in the hope that he might scare Ryuuken into laughter.

Weeks had passed with no satisfactory result, and although it pained Isshin immensely, he'd decided to admit defeat. Besides, it was no big deal if Ryuuken chose not to smile for him. Isshin would simply accept it and continue to shower Ryuuken with his love and affection. Absolutely nothing would change between them.

With that in mind, he went over to Ryuuken's office in order to apologise. He'd been so busy thinking up some marvellously touching and moving speech in his head that he wasn't even paying attention as he strode purposely into the room. He gave Ryuuken just enough time to look up from his work before he tripped over the doorjamb and went flying face-first into one of the nearby shelves with a very unmanly shriek.

There was total silence for a moment, which Isshin took to be the calm before the storm, and he shut his eyes tightly, expecting Ryuuken to lash out at him at any second for causing such chaos, however unintentional it had been.

It was something of a shock when he pushed away the heavy textbook that had landed on his head to see Ryuuken's shoulders shaking. That certainly didn't bode well. He was probably storing up his anger so that he could later unleash it to maximum effect, but surprisingly, no harsh words were forthcoming.

It was only upon closer inspection that Isshin noticed the way Ryuuken was holding his hand over his mouth, almost as though he were trying to stifle any sounds that might threaten to escape. That didn't make sense, either. He'd never held back his temper with Isshin before, so why would he start now?

Finally, Ryuuken spoke.

"Clean up the mess you just made," was all that he said. "I want you out of my office as soon as you're finished."

He picked up his pen once again and went back to writing whatever he'd been working on before Isshin had barged in. Isshin had never really been able to pride himself on his observational skills before, but even he couldn't miss the upward curve to Ryuuken's lips as he leaned over his paper and busied himself by scratching ink over it.

Well, that was a relief. It turned out that Ryuuken liked comedy violence as much as the next person.

 

End.


	7. Seven

Title: The Hippest Trip  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: G  
Warnings: Humour, pointlessness  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Why yes, I do drink special tea

Written for 30_romances. Theme used: #5 (trickery/magic)

~~

Ryuuken would never forget the time he opened his front door and found what appeared to be a large black hedge on his doorstep. Before he could close the door again very quickly and call the police, however, it turned around and spoke.

"Let's get high, brother."

It wasn't trickery or magic or even a hallucination brought on by too much work and not enough sleep.

It was Isshin in an Afro.

Ryuuken gave him an ultimatum: “Leave or die.”

So Isshin ran for his life, but only after he’d finished transferring the offending hairpiece from his head to Ryuuken’s.

 

End.


	8. Eight

Title: Theory  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Otoko ai, humour, implied naughtiness  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

Written for 30_romances. Themes used: #7 (blow) and #30 (aesthesiogen)

~~

It was very rare indeed for Isshin to be so silent. It was equally unusual to see him so still and unmoving. Ryuuken would have been worried if Isshin hadn't been giving off signs of life, such as breathing and occasionally blinking from time to time. Isshin only ever tended to focus his complete attention on surgery, but whenever he wasn't working, he seemed proud of the fact that he possessed the attention span of a gnat.

Right now, however, he was sitting cross-legged on the floor with his face buried in a magazine. Whatever he was reading must have been interesting, and again, Ryuuken found himself baffled. Isshin's reading material mostly consisted of children's comics and hardcore pornography, so it was very strange indeed to see him immersed in one of Ryuuken's medical journals.

Ryuuken didn't want to admit it, but he was curious. He kept looking up from the report that he'd been writing every now and again, but Isshin seemed oblivious to the fact that he was being watched.

It was only when Ryuuken had finished his current task that Isshin finally spoke, and instead of snarling at Isshin for using that ridiculous nickname, he chose to let it slide for once.

"Say, Ryuu-chan."

"What is it?"

"It says here that the taste of a man's ejaculative fluid depends on what his diet is like. Is that true?"

Ryuuken blinked, momentarily confused. *This* was what had kept Isshin's interest for a whole fifteen minutes? "I believe there's some evidence to back it up," he said finally.

"So if you drink sweet things it'll taste sweet?"

"I suppose that would be the case."

"And if you drink sake will it taste of sake?"

Ryuuken refused to even grace that question with an answer. Isshin didn't seem to mind, though. He was busy putting his brain to use.

"What if you drank gasoline? Or cleaning fluid? Or bleach?"

"Then you would probably die. If you're a health professional, you should know that."

"Is that a dare?"

"It is not, so don't even think about stealing anything from the kitchen."

Isshin looked thoughtful. "What if you drank hot chocolate? Would it taste all chocolatey?"

"Somehow, I doubt it. Now, are you quite finished with these infernal questions?"

Isshin slowly nodded and then got to his feet while Ryuuken regarded him with suspicion.

"And where do you think you're going?"

Isshin drew up to his full height, looking important. "To get some stuff."

He left the room before Ryuuken could say anything and returned ten minutes later carrying a large paper bag. He set it down on Ryuuken's desk and Ryuuken narrowed his eyes warily.

"There had better not be any cleaning solution in there," he warned.

"Oh no, I didn't buy anything lethal," said Isshin reassuringly, "honest," he added, when he saw Ryuuken's disbelieving expression. And so, he set about emptying his bag and lining up the contents one by one. "I bought lemon juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, blackcurrant juice, strawberry juice..."

Ryuuken's expression turned from disbelieving to slightly alarmed. "You're not planning on drinking all of that, are you?"

"Oh no," Isshin told him brightly. "*You're* going to be drinking it!"

Ryuuken stared blankly. "Excuse me?"

"I said that you're going to be the one who drinks it!" Isshin dropped to his knees in front of Ryuuken and began unfastening his pants.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?" Ryuuken stuttered out as he tried to push the other man away.

Isshin merely grinned and offered up a wink. "I'd have thought that was obvious."

Ryuuken felt himself blushing indignantly, but he forced himself to stay calm and in control. "I think you'd better keep your hands to yourself for once."

"Nuh-uh," said Isshin firmly. "We won't be able to do my test without any aesthesiogen. In other words, Ryuu-chan, we need a little stimulation to get you going. But first..."

Ryuuken frowned as Isshin reached up and grabbed the nearest carton, popping it open with a flourish.

"Drink up!"

Ryuuken stared disdainfully at the pineapple juice that Isshin was waving in front of his face. "You’re not going to take no for an answer, are you?"

"Nope!" said Isshin cheerfully. "And now, a toast! May your life be long and healthy and may your man fluid taste pleasantly of pineapples!"

 

End.


	9. Nine

Title: The Element of Surprise  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Isshin/Ryuuken  
Rating: PG  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

~~

Ryuuken didn't know how or why, but somehow Isshin had talked him into going out on a picnic together. He'd mentioned something about 'bonding' and 'the trading of fatherly secrets' and had shown up on Ryuuken's doorstep bright and early that Saturday morning with a large basket and an even bigger grin.

"I'll drive!" he announced, snatching the car keys away from Ryuuken before he could even open his mouth to say otherwise and diving into the driver's seat. He made a big show out of buckling his seatbelt and reminded Ryuuken to do likewise. Then he whipped off his necktie, beaming widely as he fastened it over his eyes, giving the thumbs up in what he'd assumed to be Ryuuken's general direction.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?" Ryuuken asked sourly as Isshin began feeling for the steering wheel.

"I'm going to drive blindfold!" Isshin said brightly. "I thought it would be fun to see how far we get before we crash!"

Unfortunately, Ryuuken had heard far too many similar things coming from Isshin's mouth to know that he was being deadly serious, rather than just pulling his leg. Besides, it was always better to be safe than sorry, especially where Isshin was concerned.

"Get out of the car," Ryuuken barked, clicking off his own seatbelt and opening the door. "*Now*," he added through gritted teeth.

"Stop worrying so much!" Isshin told him. "We'll be okay. The Force will protect us!"

Ryuuken ignored him as he slid out of his seat and strode over to Isshin's side, throwing the door open and grabbing hold of Isshin's shirt sleeve as he gave a mighty tug, but Isshin refused to budge.

"Ryuu-chan, what are you doing?" he asked plaintively, frowning when he heard the sound of tearing material.

"Preventing you from getting us both killed," Ryuuken growled, narrowing his eyes at Isshin's torn sleeve and hooking his fingers round his arm instead as he pulled with all his strength.

After a lot of yanking and muttered curses, he eventually managed to extract Isshin from the car, placing his hands firmly at the small of his back and pushing him over to the passenger side.

"I thought I was driving?" Isshin protested reaching up and sliding the tie free, blinking a little as his eyes grew used to the light once again.

"The Hell you are," said Ryuuken, giving Isshin another shove and feeling somewhat relieved when he finally got him where he wanted. "Now you can get in."

"I don't wanna," whined Isshin, bracing his hands and feet and assuming the starfish position. "You can't make me!"

By now they were attracting more attention than Ryuuken would have liked from random passer-by, and as he continued to push at Isshin's back, he heard a child's curious voice piping up from nearby.

"Hey, Kaa-san, look at that weird foreigner with the glasses!"

Ryuuken couldn't help being offended when he heard that. The fact that he had blond hair and blue eyes did not automatically make him non-native Japanese, and if he hadn't been so busy trying to push Isshin into the car, he probably would have whirled round and given the little brat a lecture about stereotypes and racism. Besides, he hated kids. He'd never even cared much for his own.

"Ryuu-chan, you're hurting me!" Isshin bleated.

"You've had worse," Ryuuken said darkly. "And stop calling me that!"

"But Ryuu-chan-"

"Silence!"

Ryuuken was panting by the time he'd managed to get Isshin into the passenger seat and he had to pause in order to wipe the sweat from his brow. Isshin wasn't what anyone would consider to be light, but Ryuuken supposed the strain of forcing him from one side of the car to the other would probably count as an impromptu work-out, and he made a mental note to replenish his water supply later.

Isshin's earlier good mood had disappeared completely, though, and he sat with his arms crossed sulkily over his chest.

"So, where as we going?" asked Ryuuken as he started up the car.

"Nowhere," Isshin mumbled. "I don't feel like talking to you anymore."

But Ryuuken rather liked the sound of that idea, and the guilt that Isshin was surely waiting for him to feel never ended up making itself known.

"All right," Ryuuken said finally. "We'll just have this picnic right here in my driveway."

He opened up the hamper that Isshin (or more likely Yuzu) had prepared and that was when Isshin sprang into action, slamming the hamper shut and placing it behind him on the back seat.

"You can't eat now!" he said firmly. "You have to follow the rules, and number one is always 'no food until after the journey'."

"I thought you said we weren't going anywhere?" Ryuuken told him, raising one eyebrow.

"I never said that," Isshin pouted. "I simply refused to talk to you!"

"You're talking to me now," Ryuuken pointed out.

"Oh." Isshin blinked. "So I am." Then he smiled. "In that case, start the engine already. We're leaving!" Five minutes after they'd been on the road he added, "You know, it's a good thing you didn't actually look inside that basket."

"Really?" said Ryuuken absently, concentrating more on driving than on Isshin.

"Yup! I didn't want to ruin the surprise I have planned."

That got Ryuuken's attention and he stole a glance at Isshin out the corner of his eye. "Surprise?" he echoed suspiciously.

"Well, I guess I could tell you now," Isshin said reluctantly. "I bought some of that body paint stuff all the kids are using these days and thought that we should try it out! After all, there's nothing better than frolicking around naked in the great outdoors." He frowned suddenly. "But wait... does it really count as nudity if you're wearing paint?"

Ryuuken's hands tightened on the steering wheel and he wished he could wrap them around something else, namely Isshin's neck.

He feared what the future would bring.

 

End.


End file.
